KOLCHAK PAPERS: Episode #4- THE VAMPIRE

Aired: October 4, 1974

Directed by Don Weis, Written by David Chase and Bill Stratton. Usual Cast: Darren McGavin, Simon Oakland, Jack Grinnage, Ruth McDevitt

Guest Cast: Suzanne Charny, William Daniels, John Doucette, Jan Murray, Larry Storch, Kathleen Nolan.

From IMDB: After Kolchak put a stake through the heart of vampire Janos Skorzeny in the first NIGHT STALKER TV MOVIE and all his victims were cremated, that was thought to have been the end of the line for the vampire. However, one victim, a call girl named Catherine Rawlins was not found and after a road crew unknowingly freed her she resumes her "career". However, instead of turning tricks she uses her job as a way to meet unsuspecting victims of her own and begins a murderous rampage of her own and eventually makes her way to Los Angeles. Kolchak heads for L.A. to hunt her down and try to stop her before the City of Angels becomes the city of the undead.

As a potential victim changes a tire on a lonely country road, the vampire’s hands break through the ground in the foreground giving us a suitably creepy shot.

Kolchak is in good form in this one, and we’ve got a tight story thanks to David Chase (who would go on to such things as THE SOPRANOS) tied tightly to the first Kolchak movie. The original plot had been created for a potential fourth TV Movie (NOTE: the third one would have been set in Hawaii and have Kolchak taking on a murder cult) with Vincenzo and Kolchak now working for a New York Paper discovering they had not actually destroyed original movie vampire Janos Skorzeny. When the series was optioned the script was reworked into it being a return of one of Skorzeny’s victims who is now a vampire herself.

KOLCHAK DIALOGUE:

Tony Vincenzo: I'm tired of it, Kolchak. I am fed up. I've got a brother-in-law who's got a 14 year old he's always bailing out of juvenile hall, but I've got you, and you are worse!

Carl cheats Upkyke out of an assignment in Los Angeles so he can secretly look into the rumors of a vampire there.

KOLCHAK TRIVIA:

The house that the real estate agent is showing made two appearances in Peter Falk’s COLUMBO series which was being done at the same time on the same Universal Studios lot— it was the house of the killer in the first COLUMBO Episode MURDER BY THE BOOK and it was used again in a later first season episode THE MOST CRUCIAL GAME. It was also used in episodes of QUINCY M.E. and THE ROCKFORD FILES.

Swede (Larry Storch) calls on Carl to collect a debt and to give him the rumor of potential vampires in Los Angeles.

ODDBALL CHARACTERS

Carl is concerned that Faye’s old style writing might not pass as his own.

Gruff voiced character actor Jan Murray is pimp Ichabod Grace who runs “Grace’s Catering Service”.

Kathleen Nolan is great as Kolchak’s gal Friday Faye Kruger who hopes to resume her career as a journalist and whom Carl is not against taking advantage of to have her help him write his column while he hunts down the new vampire.

Larry Storch makes a quick cameo from his days on F-TROOP as a TV Anchorman friend of Carl’s who owes Vincenzo $500 from their days in Vegas.

John Doucette plays a deputy sheriff who is not a fan of Kolchak’s seemingly crazy questioning.

THE MONSTER:

Lady Vampire— she’s great. She does not speak a single line through the episode adding to her creepiness.

William Daniels is a smaller less imposing authority figure with a gentler nature (at first).

SEASONED COP WHO HATES KOLCHAK:

William Daniels was Mister Feeney on BOY MEETS WORLD and he’s the voice of KITT the car that David Hasselhoff drives in KNIGHT RIDER. He’s suitably aggravated by Kolchak here. His Lt. Jack Mateo is a nice change of pace from the gruff police characters we usually see representing the “softer” Los Angeles setting.

The major complaint from fans on this one is that it shares some similarity with both the first two movies and The Ripper pilot episode. I don’t think this is fair at all— the entire run of KOLCHAK is pretty much a repeat of the motif of those first two films; A monster has appeared, the authorities don’t want to admit it, Kolchak is determined to prove it despite no one believing him, and then he’ll eventually figure out how to dispatch it. It’s a formula. Would it be better if one episode had Kolchak going on a blind date and writing about the financial woes of a Chicago bank? I think not.

Kolchak Rating: 5.0 - Another contender for best episode in the whole series. The only downside to it is being set in Los Angeles we’re missing most of the INS newsroom cast and the beloved yellow Mustang.

NEXT: The Werewolf! A controversial episode among Kolchak fans but one of my favorites.

KOLCHAK PAPERS: Episode #7- The Devil's Platform

First Aired Nov 15, 1974 Directed by Allen Baron. Guest Cast: Tom Skerritt, Julie Gregg, Ellen Weston, Jeanne Cooper, Stanley Adams. Written by Donn Mullalley and Tim Maschler.

A State Senatorial Candidate may be more than he seems, and the first indication is when a campaign aid threatens him and then finds himself killed in an Elevator crash shortly afterwards. What starts as a normal story for Carl soon turns into trying to prove that the dark horse candidate has ties to the dark prince of the underworld.

Other deaths connected to the campaign and a mysterious black dog lead Carl to the truth here that Satan has a candidate.

Tom Skerritt is Robert Palmer, and rather than sneaking Sally Through the Alley, he’s running for State Senate. It’s interesting to note how when this was written you’d think State Senate was a step away from the White House while forty years later Barrack Obama would essentially do the very thing. Skerritt plays it very reserved and emotionless which makes it hard to convince us that he’s got the charisma needed to be a politician but I guess if Satan is behind you that doesn’t matter.

This one is light in oddball characters, Stanley Adams is a bartender friend of Carl’s— you’ll recognize him as an actor who appeared on STAR TREK, BATMAN, GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and even the movie BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S. Miss Emily makes a return from her trip to Italy (she was out sick in the previous episode) and she has brought gifts for the staff— Artichoke pasta for Tony because it’s low in calorie and a new pimp style hat for Carl that he puts on in front of her but reverts back to his old straw hat as soon as he’s out of sight.

Kolchak Dialogue (after Carl switches back to his old hat);

Carl Kolchak: What don't you like about this hat? 

Tony Vincenzo: What's under it.

Ron Updyke makes an appearance later in the episode to offer some dog trivia about the number of toes they have.

HOW’S THE MONSTER? Well, it’s a dog.

KOLCHAK RATING: 3.5 The lack of odd characters and the authority figure hating Carl take it out of the usual cliches but that works against it because it’s those cliches we all like.

The $8,000 Art Scam - Beware Things That Seem Too Good To Be True Part Two

With the check in hand I decided to go to my town police station and see what they thought. I reasoned that the check was mailed to that town so it falls into their jurisdiction and they’d be less busy than the “Big City” Police Department that is my jurisdiction.

A detective came out and went over everything and then scratched his head— “And you think this is a bad check because….” was his response. I went through the things that floated flags through the process. Then I pointed out the return address, the postmark and the check address. “Oh yeah. “ Said he. His advice was to either deposit it and wait and see what happens or send it back.

Not that I doubted the small town detective but I drove down to the City Police and went through the same thing with them. “Definitely seems funny— I’d send the check back.” was his response.

Now if you know me, I respect authority but I don’t blindly follow it. I wasn’t comfortable sending it back because it was made out to me and all someone would have to do is sign my name to the check and cash it. I’ve autographed enough stuff over the years that it could be an issue. For the record, the way I autograph something and the way I sign my checks are two entirely different styles for this very reason, but if someone did sign it the way I autograph things they could pass it off as mine.

I called my attorney who said absolutely do not deposit the check and do not send it back. Still not fully satisfied with the answer I did what I should have done the first time but just hadn’t thought of it— I drove it over to my banker.

I have a banker who thinks we have a monogamous relationship, he thinks I’m only seeing him. I don’t have the heart to tell him I have money deposited into at least another 6 banks. But he’s been the one who tries to talk me into taking out a loan, plus he’s got his own office and everytime I go there he sees me right away so I walked in, no secretary at her station, and plunked myself down in front of him and tossed the check on his desk.

He picked it up, looked it over, held it up to the light and said “where’d you get the fake check?”

BINGO!

His advice, absolutely do not deposit it and under no circumstances send it back. Hold it in case anything funny happens and if it does file a police report and get him and my attorney on the phone. I had already filed TWO police reports over it so I was happy with his response and my instincts.

As I left the bank I got the following text:

DID YOU DEPOSITI (sic) THE CHECK? CAN YOU SEND ME A SCREEN SHOT OF THE DEPOSIT SLIP?

I replied letting him or her know that the cat was out of the bag, I’d filed two police reports, consulted attorneys and bankers and would be reaching out to the Landscaping Service on whose check they sent the funds.

No reply.

About two days later I got a text.

DID YOU DEPOSIT THE CHECK?

I replied that they should probably check with their partner to see where we stood because clearly there was some breakdown in their communication.

That was it, I didn’t hear from them any longer.

About four months later I got an email that started with this;

“Dear Dr Fish;

I’m writing to you because I am a big fan of your work, and particularly your style which I think is a terrific fit for our latest project. I have a severe hearing disability which I hope you will not hold against me, but I’m wondering if you have time to discuss a possible commercial illustration job?”

So beware my friends, beware.

I don’t have any idea why they lead with the “disability” disclaimer— there is a slight variation which has them in Europe so forgive their English skills, but the key phrase to look for here is always “I hope you will not hold against me….”

Stay safe!

The $8,000 Art Scam-- Beware Art Students and New Artists

It starts with an email hoping that you won’t hold the fact that the writer is deaf, or blind, or black, or Asian, or Jewish or some other “disability” that we might hold against them. These are their words, not mine— I don’t care who or what you are, I don’t care if you have three eyes and five legs and stand 3’6”— especially since I’d never know this if it weren’t for you mentioning it in the first email.

AND I only mention it because that is the start of the email that I have gotten TWICE with two different elements from the “hope you don’t hold it against me” angle— and Veronica has gotten it once.

So this person will reach out to you and say they are a big fan of your work or your style, or a post you made on IG, FB, Twitter or whatever— they won’t be overly specific about which piece but they’ll tell you that they have a project of 18-31 illustrations and you’d be perfect for it and what would your price be?

So at this point, if you’re savvy or desperate, you’ll name a price. In my case I was specific and I gave them my “Gabe Kaplan” rate— so named for clients I anticipate will be difficult— so it’s usually 2x or more— in this case it was 4x my going rate and 8x my rate if they wanted publication rights. They agreed to the price and asked if I needed a deposit to get started.

Yep— that’s the norm— I need to be paid a piece up front so that I’m not chasing the entire amount at the end. I told them to send me a check for $4k— they said they wanted to send me a check for $8 so that they’d have less of a balance at the end.

I said OK and had them send it to a friend’s business a half a town awayand I figured that would be the last I heard from them. I still smelled a rat, I still saw red flags in this but the money was good enough to give it some effort to land the gig if by chance it was legit.

They emailed me and said they’d sent it Priority Mail signature required— a slight problem because unlike a regular envelope which would just drop through the mail slot on the weekend if it arrived on a Saturday there would be no one to sign for it which means it would go to the post office. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of trying to chase it down, but again— $8k deposit.

I got more suspicious again when I got a text message saying I needed to go to the post office and get the envelope. I told them I hadn’t gotten the notification yet and wouldn’t leave until I did— I have a life. They were adamant and didn’t like that I refused. They said maybe I didn’t want the gig— I told them maybe they should find someone else and I would just pickup the check on Monday and write RETURN TO SENDER on it.

So why— why where they so adamant that I pick up this check?

They backed down and said they wanted me on the project and it would be OK to wait until Monday. So I still expected something crazy here but I got the check in my hand and sure enough, it was made out to me and it was $8k— it looked like a legit check.

I texted them and said I got the check— they asked if I could send them a pic so that their boss would calm down that it had arrived safely.

AH- that checked.

I’ve worked on many projects for committees and that usually entails levels of approval— maybe this is why they were so nervous.

Check in hand, it looked fine. Legit bank. Account and Routing number looked like it all worked.

But then they made their mistake;

“When you deposit the check please send me a pic of the deposit slip.”

Nope, there it is.

Do you see it? Does it add up for you now? Remember each step had flags and something that was unusual but then they would counter with something that just about made sense. And the money was good enough to cut them some slack.

The reason I even post this, the reason I’m getting into such clear details is this; Today a job that is going to pay me $24k is certainly an important one, but it’s not one that if I lose it my entire world is shattered. Not so when I was first starting out— not so for someone fresh out of art school with student debt to pay off, so I want to get as specific as I can so that if it happens to YOU then you’ll get out of the web before it’s too late.

Back to the ah-ha moment— there is absolutely no reason for them to see MY deposit slip, if you write a check and send it to someone and they cash it your bank will have a record of that transaction for you almost immediately. The ONLY reason someone might want to see the deposit slip is that it has MY bank account numbers on it.

And there it is.

That also made me look more closely at the check, now keeping in mind that this was a multiple-client gig it’s not unusual for a corporate check to be signed by a name you don’t recognize. I’m sad to admit it but it was only at this point I first looked at the check closely and realized the check was from a Landscaping Business out of Southern California, but the return address on the envelope was an address in New Jersey, and the postmark was Chicago. More flags.

Now what to do with this check? Shred it? Send it back? Deposit it and see where it goes?

Find out next tomorrow.

Bond Tuesdays...DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

I grew up in the 1970s so to me Roger Moore was James Bond. The first Sean Connery Bond film I ever saw was this one, and I thought he looked like an old pudgy balding man (which he was), so I couldn’t understand everyone’s attitude that Connery WAS James Bond. It would be many years later before I would see the earlier Bond’s and really understand and appreciate them.

For everyone who says that ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE would be regarded as the best Bond film of all time if Connery had been in it I point to this one and I say think again. Lazenby at this point in Connery’s career is a better choice for James Bond than Connery is. Connery is over the hill. Ironic because his soon to be replacement Roger Moore is older, and Daniel Craig is older than both of them as he continues to play Bond and he’s not only fit he’s super secret agent fit. Connery is wearing what looks like a cheap toupee and he’s soft enough that it makes the action scenes real groaners. Jill St John is the Bond girl and she’s great, Charles Gray, who played a good guy way back in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE takes over the Blofeld role here and I don’t know what to think of him. He’s not as good as Donald Pleasance, and he’s not threatening as Telly Savalas so this entry, about stolen Diamonds set in Las Vegas seems like a step back in the wrong direction. At least they don’t try to make Connery Korean in this one. There are some good elements here, the homosexual assassins are a bold choice for the time and there are parts set in a funeral home that are downright creepy, overall a lot of people were excited Connery was back only to realize sometimes its better to say goodbye.

Is the Worst Connery still better than the best Moore? Nope, not even close. He can’t beat Lazenby or Craig here either. It’s Connery but just barely.

James Bond will be back, but Connery won’t, in LIVE AND LET DIE

• BOND: Connery might have been bored in YOLT but he’s bored AND out of shape here which is worse. *1/2

• THEME MUSIC: It’s trying to be GOLDFINGER but it’s not. ***

• VILLAIN: Charles Gray is an little odd, and there are some real camp elements which don’t help.

• OVERALL BOND RATING: 7.0 and I’m being generous.

#11 Surviving A Crisis! - FREELANCE GUiDANCE: A 13 PART SERIES

My 10 Part Freelance Lifestyle Project ended a few weeks ago— you can go back to the beginning and read it from start to finish by searching the little box for FREELANCE ADVICE, but I’ve decided to add a couple of BONUS posts— here is Part 11 SURVIVING A CRISIS! (in fact I’m going to expand this to Thirteen Parts soon) This one might be the biggest one of them all because Freelance first requires a scary jump from a regular paycheck to a world of managing your own destiny— and Uncle Andy has some bad news for you— it’s not all going to be smooth sailing and you will deal with some rough seas. You’ll have to learn how to get through it.

The pandemic was a perfect example of a crisis— it affected a lot of businesses and publishing was hit especially hard when bookstores were deemed non-essential. Let me take you back to an earlier crisis to give you some context, because this Pandemic Crisis was not my first one.

WHEN THE WALLS COME CRUMBLING DOWN

I had a contract with a book publisher who was based in London, I really enjoyed working with them and from about 2006 to about 2011 I did several books for them and got paid quite well. Best of all it was a steady flow of income during a time when I needed it (divorce ain’t cheap). In early 2010 we laid out plans for more books when I would be back from my honeymoon in Japan— the publisher had arranged a deal with Borders Books, a company founded in 1971, to provide a slew of How To Art Books and I would be their guy because I had some expertise in several mediums.

Suddenly in 2011 Borders closed all of their stores, their contract for books of course was cancelled and so was my workload with them. The resulting wave through publishing with the closure of one of the biggest booksellers in the world (and in my opinion they were far superior to rival Barnes and Noble) caused my publisher to completely restructure so all of the folks I had such a great working relationship with were now gone. No longer was I the go to favorite guy of many editors, I was now the “who?” guy to the new editorial team.

During the period of 2009-2011 I had turned down many lucrative contracts because I had this regular client, losing them suddenly and without warning nearly capsized my career completely. Those contracts were no longer available and many of those editors had moved out of publishing all together.

DON’T PANIC - EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

It’s easy to panic during something like that— and trust me there will come a time when panic sets in, but I’ve learned that successful Freelance is truly a matter of wash>rinse>repeat — it’s a cycle and you cannot break the cycle.

Go back and read through all Ten Chapters I’ve written and make sure you’re doing the things now that you did when you first started out. Many of us get comfortable and think we no longer have to promote, we always do, because as you land one gig you should have a second gig you’re discussing to follow it and a third gig ready for the job after that and ideally a fourth gig asking about your availability. Does that seem impossible? It does but it happens more than you think.

• Keep your website up to date with new work. Never anything that you have to apologize for or explain why it’s not as good as you’d hoped it would be. Nothing older than ten years either.

• If you have a BLOG update it AT LEAST WEEKLY and if you can’t do that get rid of it. Nothing says busy more than a blog with a last post in 2014— but it also says ghost town, it can make a prospective client think you’ve moved on and they will too.

• Work on your social media promotion. I hate social media, but it generates work. Keep it all work related. IF you’re trying to get work as an illustrator posting pics of the meals you’re making or the model kits you’re painting might be interesting to a lot of people, but if it has nothing to do with your work goal so start a second account that is work only.

• Don’t get desperate. That old expression never let them see you sweat is valid for Freelance too. If you do this right work will come your way. That doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to an old contact and see if they have any needs, but it does mean you don’t send out a mass email talking about how you’re about to get in line for Marble Rye and Cheese at the government handout center.

• Sometimes a great project sits right behind a good one you missed out on. Sometimes bad things happen. We had a contract for a project with a large publisher for a job that would pay about ¼ a year’s worth of salary— for about a month’s work— that’s a nice return. We started on the project and got about 1% of the way in when they pulled the plug on it through no fault of ours. They apologized profusely, paid us for the work that had been done, and offered to look for replacement work for us. It’s slightly more sad because in addition to the good money we’d turned down a project we would have liked to have done to accept this one, now that this one was gone the other one had already been assigned to someone else. We barely had time to commiserate over the loss of this project when two others came our way.

So how does balance work? It’s like a rock rolling down hill, once you get it going it’ll build a momentum that makes it easier to keep it going. Start with promoting, talk to prospective clients. Keep your expenses low and don’t consider a job yours until you sign a contract. Arrange your deadlines and make a schedule for getting the work done. Don’t agree to deadlines you can’t meet. Now start working on what we’ll call Project A, and let’s assume this project will take you three months to complete. On Fridays you should assess your progress and make note of where you are on the deadline. If you’re falling behind say goodbye to your weekends. Now as you’re a month in (⅓ of the way through the project) on those Fridays in addition to assessing Project A’s status you are now actively looking for Project B.

Project B might involve 3-4 prospective clients, make sure they know you can’t start on their project for two more months, keep in contact with them. The process of landing a client usually takes anywhere from a few days to a month. Let’s say it took a month so now you have Project B lined up to follow Project A- if B Is a shorter project, let’s say a week to complete, you’re going to need to look for Project C right away because in five weeks you’ll be out of work again.

Fridays are going to be busy because now you have to assess where you stand on Project A, set up a deadline schedule for Project B and Project C (let’s assume this is a nice long five month project) and you’re going to start uploading whatever samples you can from Project A (making sure its OK with the client) to help you generate more work. On your social media you start posting process work because people love to see that and it generates still more interest in what you’re doing.

You need to repeat this process all the time, good calendars are your best friend. I like to do project summaries on Fridays because Mondays are already bad enough.

Stay organized, stay promoting and stay fresh on your website, deliver on your deadlines and you’ll see the work come in.

Andy Fish is a freelance artist and writer who has been living the lifestyle longer than there has been an iPhone on this planet. The advice given has worked for him, it might work for you, he hopes it does. But like all advice, take it with your own situation in mind. If you want to contact him shoot him an email andy@andytfish.com

KOLCHAK PAPERS: Episode #6- FIREFALL

From IMDB: Kolchak discovers that the evil spirit of a murdered gangster who loved classical music is somehow incinerating his former enemies, while simultaneously trying to take over the body of a popular music conductor and live again.

Aired Nov 8, 1974 Directed by Don Weis, Written by Bill Ballinger

Regular Cast: Carl Kolchak (Darren McGavin), Tony Vincenzo (Simon Oakland), Ron Updyke (Jack Grinnace), Miss Emily— sometimes Edith (Ruth McDevitt)
Guest Cast: Fred Beir, Phil Carey, David Doyle, Madeline Rhue, Virginia Vincent, Carol Ann Susi

This competes with UFO for most confusing episode, you’re going to have to pay attention during gthis one if you don’t want to be left behind. An avenging spirit becomes a doppleanger for a famous concert conductor after his car cuts off the spirit’s funeral procession. For some reason this doppelgänger is causing people to burst into flames.

In the 1970s there was a fascination with Bigfoot, Aliens, the Bermuda Triangle and Spontaneous Human Combustion— making you as a kid worry about more things than just the A-Bomb dropping on our heads, we were convinced a Bigfoot would snatch us and in absolute panic we’d burst into flame.

This is one of the creepier episodes even if its hard to follow the logic. The office staff is on hand, Monique is covering for Miss Emily who apparently also handles making the puzzles for the paper in addition to writing an advice column. Ron is there to annoy Carl and Tony gets worked up over Carl’s insistence that he’s following a doppelgänger who is causing these people to be found burnt to death.

The only safe place might be a church.

HOW’S THE MONSTER: The ghost effects are nothing special but when he’s peeking around corners or through windows he’s pretty creepy.

HOW’S THE SEASONED COP WHO HATES KOLCHAK: Philip Carey was a big guy who often played grisled hard boiled guys and that’s how he handles this one. He hates Carl as much as any of the other cops do.

Madeline Rhue’s Gypsy should have been in the Werewolf episode.

WHO ARE THE ODDBALL GUEST STARS: David Doyle is always a good addition, he is best known as Bosley on CHARLIE’S ANGELS. Carol Veazie is an upper crust neighbor with a little dog who is a witness to one of the murders. Madeline Rhue is a gypsy— and she’s looks and seems to be wearing the same outfit Valerie Harper wore when she played a gypsy on COLUMBO. There are a million connections to that show which I’ll explore someday. We learn from the gypsy that the spirit can only take your body if you fall asleep, although that doesn’t seem to explain a few of the victims, one of whom was driving and the other was swimming— two activities that don’t seem like ones to nap doing.

How about some dialogue:

Carl Kolchak: What happened to Mason? 

Sgt. Mayer: Isn't it obvious? The guy was smoking in bed. 

Carl Kolchak: I didn't see any ashtrays. 

Sgt. Mayer: That's his problem.

Overall it’s a confusing episode that’s hard to follow even if you pay close attention, but even weak Kolchak is still pretty good.

KOLCHAK RATING 4.0

NEXT: THE DEVIL’S PLATFORM, Kolchak get’s political.