SNOW where it Doesn’t Usually Snow

Up here in the Northeast, we like to think of ourselves as snow warriors—that’s what we tell everyone. The truth is, we’re more like snow whiners. When the first storm of the season hits, everyone forgets how to drive in the snow, and the roads become chaotic with accidents. The Department of Public Works (DPW) also forgets how to plow and salt the roads, leaving them a mess. Here’s a tip: having four-wheel drive doesn’t mean your car or truck is magnetically stuck to the road.

I’ve been to other places that don’t experience snow, and it’s pretty amusing to watch when they do. I was in Portland, Oregon, when just ¾ inch of snow shut the entire city down. I even saw a bus slide sideways down a steep street.

In some parts of the Midwest, they use beet juice to treat their roads—I’m not making that up; you can look it up yourself. I mentioned this once at a cocktail party around Christmas, and people were in hysterics at the idea. These are normally composed Yankees, and they were literally doubled over, trying to keep their internal organs from exploding from laughter.

Beet juice.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. They recently got “slammed” with (don’t laugh) 4 inches of snow, and the roads became impassable. For almost two weeks, everything was shut down. You know why? Because they put beet juice on the roads instead of sand and salt.