Hot on the heels of the Wretched BATMAN V SUPERMAN: WE HAVE THE SAME MOM comes this festival of poses and matching costumes JUSTICE LEAGUE: WHY DO WE EXIST IF SUPERMAN CAN DO EVERYTHING!
I jest of course, because we all know in the unwatchable mess that was BAT V SUPEY Superman DIED a heroic death saving who the hell knows who after causing the death of every member of Congress and proving that he was, in fact, a good guy.
He changed Bruce Wayne in the course of that bravery of death because Bruce was convinced Supey was a baddie but when he made such a sacrifice, well by god, Bruce in his Batman persona realized he was wrong and decided the world would need protecting and now that Superman is gone he'll have to assemble a LEAGUE of heroes. So that's why we need a JUSTICE LEAGUE because Superman is dead. So dead in fact that he's featured in all of the posters-- say whaaat?? I'd love to find the person in the audience who believed that Superman was actually dead but thought sincerely that he would stay dead.
Anyway, so our movie opens at the massive Funeral for Superman or maybe it's a memorial service. Jimmy Olsen was killed too but nobody cares about a cub reporter who is actually a CIA agent so this is all blue hued scenes of Lois being sad and Bruce being determined to round up a Justice League.
He better hurray too because Thanos, I mean some big outer space CGi dude is coming and he's planning on kicking Earth's butt something fierce. The world is full of superheroes now Bruce just has to find them all. He should have just gone to whatever costume shop they all get their suits from because they all seem to be made out of the same heavy rubber material and even the same colors-- but hey it's good to match. Like a Garanimals for Super Teams.
All right so Bruce is assembling his team and Wonder Woman is doing some pretty crazy action stuff but when the dust clears her hair and makeup is perfect so we can all admire how good she looks. Speaking of looking good-- is it just me or does Batman look really swollen? Like he got stung by a bunch of bees?
The team is assembled and it's made up of a bunch of hard knock heroes like Aquaman who is too cool to be seen on the surface-- it might have also been because he can only breath underwater but hey who am I to judge? Also on the team is Spider-Man here disguised as The Flash because the movie needs a young guy with a quick wit if JUSTICE LEAGUE: WE HAVE TO MAKE THESE MOVIES LIKE MARVEL DOES BUT WE DON'T GET HOW THEY DO IT is going to succeed. Iron Man is there, only now he's a hip black kid from the hood who doesn't want to be a superhero, he's tired of being called a freak because, well, let's face it, he's half robot for some reason and that just might qualify him as a freak.
There's probably another character in here but who cares. The team assembles and its just in time because Space Dude is about to strike Earth and they are ready for him-- only they're no match for him, oh they put up a good CGi fight-- and lots of stuff gets wrecked and Wonder Woman looks good-- but they're dropping faster than Rosie O'Donnell's career when all of a sudden Superman shows up. He makes some quip about reports of his death being wrong or some such James Bond like saying, then he shows Space Dude why he's called Superman because he turns a super whipping on his CGi butt but Space Dude is stronger than he thought, or he's got some secret backup plan that comes in at the last minute and now it looks like it's all over for Superman but Batman and the League have had time for milk and cookies and now they can finish the job.
Along the way we get tender scenes of Lois and Clark, Lois and Perry White, Clark and his mom, Batman and thoughts of his dead parents and Alfred giving Batman words of advice that he will eventually realize were smarter than anything he ever thought of.
JUSITICE LEAGUE: STOP TRYING SO HARD has about seven thousand characters in the cast but they manage to spend some time with each of them because the movie runs eleven and a half hours long-- and only about ten of those hours are all CGi unless you count Cyborg/Iron Man because he's all CGi and so probably is a lot of Wonder Woman's hair.
Originally this was part 1 of a longer movie but the people who actually paid to see the thing in theaters decided one part was enough so Warners scaled back on their plans. The next one, whatever that is, will have more of an orange hue than a blue hue and that should be enough to make it a huge hit. Why spend money on scripts when you can just buy lens filters?
There's my review-- keep in mind I didn't see the movie and I probably never will. But I bet I was pretty close.